Why manage body language and tone? You might ask. Because, in communication, particularly when there are emotional or behavioral issues or ambiguity, tone of voice and non-verbal (often subtle and unconscious body language including facial expressions and posture) have a significant impact. Albert Mehrabian’s 7%-38%-55% Rule says that when speaking about one’s feelings and there is an incongruity between one’s word and one’s tone or non-verbal communication the receiver will trust the predominant tone and non-verbal components (93%) over the words (7%).
After giving a presentation on conflict management to a group of project managers the following question came up: “In approaching a manager with an issue, questioning a process, how do you not come off as condescending?” It triggered in my mind the need to be very much aware of our true feelings and the way they show up in our verbal and non-verbal communication.
Condescension often arises from a judgment regarding the way the other party(ies) should be behaving or has behaved.
What is an example from your life where a negative emotion takes over and spills out in the form of body language tone of voice (affect) and, possibly, the words themselves?
Dealing with Feeling
In project management circles emotionally driven behavioral issues are present but not often dealt with directly. As a result there is a greater tendency for the words and affect behind the words to be at odds with one another.
Until such time that one can cut the roots of negative feelings and eliminate those feelings before they arise and influence behavior, one can skillfully adjust behavior even after the feelings arise. Body language and tone as well as speech are behaviors.
Taking Control of your Affect
Most of us can moderate our speech – the content of what we say, and we regularly do so in our work. Rare is the person who is totally candid, revealing his true thoughts as an innocent child might (I am thinking of the child who has no problem saying that the king has no close on when everyone else holds back or lies about it when asked directly about the king’s glorious new suit of clothes that can only be seen by the worthy and wise.)
In the same way we moderate the content of our speech can moderate our body language and tone of voice. We can sense the feelings and observe how they translate into behavior. We can give ourselves the option to behave differently while not “stuffing” or suppressing our feelings. We can become increasingly aware of ourselves and of the effect our behavior has on others and the effect of their behavior on us.
Then we can communicate.
You might be thinking that it’s not easy to take control of your affect and work with your feelings without letting them drive your behavior. Yes, it is not easy, but, it is well worth taking on the challenge.
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